I have a lot on my mind this week. And as I sit here to type this, I'm not sure I'm ready to write out all the details. It's not that it's a big secret, or that I don't want anyone who reads my blog to know...it's more the fact that if I actually type it out, see it in print, it will seem real.
And I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
So, that which I am not ready to see in print yet, has been weighing heavily on my mind for a while now. I have ignored it, and tried to hope it away. I have forgotten about it from time to time. I have even resigned myself to it. But no matter what I do, I just cannot stop worrying about it.
I realize I'm not making a lot of sense here. But really, I just have some feelings that need to come out, so I can sleep. I haven't been doing much of that these past few days. And I'm tired.
And like I mostly do when I need something, I pray. Selfish, I know. But, I am human.
So I have dusted off my bible this week and re-read some bible versus that I have not read since I was in high school taking Mr. Schneider's religion class.
And my favorite is still As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord (Joshua 24:15). I try to live by this. I try to raise my kids by this. My husband and I try and be models of this to our children. For me, it just makes sense. And, I think I've done a pretty fair job. I could do better, I could be better. Of course. There is always room for kinder words, gentler actions, selfless gestures, quicker forgiveness. But I try. And that should count for something, right?
However, with the great fear of that which I am not ready to see in print yet, following me around this week, I find myself questioning everything I believe. My favorite bible verse does not bring comfort to me. It brings resentment. It makes me feel like screaming "I HAVE. CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE TRIED? I'M DOING MY BEST LORD, AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT?"
It leaves me with the feeling of 'why is this happening to me?' Why? Could this really be happening to me? That is the million dollar question. And I don't have an answer for it. I hope and I pray that by the end of the week, this problem, this great fear of that which I am not ready to see in print yet, will be resolved and all of my worry will have been for nothing. Then, I can write freely. I can laugh at the time I've wasted worrying about something that was 'nothing.' I can get back to my life. Because right now, I'm a bit paralyzed. Fear, anger, sadness and worry have taken over my heart and my favorite bible verse does not bring me the comfort I am looking for.
I feel guilty for this. Am I really a person of so little faith? I did not think I was. And, if I am, well it's no wonder that the Lord saw it fitting to deal this great fear of that which I am not ready to see in print yet, to me. But, I've never before had any experience with this great fear of that which I am not ready to see in print yet. But now I kinda do, and my faith jumped out the window about 17 seconds in. I am all for prayer. I remember others in prayers, I pray over my children while they are sleeping. I've had prayers answered. I just don't want to be the one depending on the prayers to get me through this.
Am I still a believer, even if I'm not sure I believe right now?
Because this thing, this great fear of that which I am not ready to see in print yet, it scares the crap out of me. And all those phrases about God and Him not giving you more than you can bear, or the one about If God brings you to it, He will see you through it, those are great as the signature on someone else's email account, but I'd prefer not to have to put all my eggs in that basket. I don't want to worry about having to bear anything. I just want to happily go about my little existence here in suburbia where the biggest problem I have to worry about is did I remember it was silly sock day in Kindergarten?
And as I type all this, and bless you if you're still reading since I won't even tell you what you're reading about, is that while I question my belief and my faith, and ask God "Why Me?" the tiny thought of "Well, why not me?" keeps creeping into my head.
And I don't like how it sounds.
Hopefully, tomorrow will bring some good news.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I wish I had something, anything funny or witty to say, but sadly, I'm all out of funny and witty right now.
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14 comments:
Hi Lisa,
I am so sorry. It sounds like you are having are really difficult time. I have, of course, no idea what is going on, but I hope you have someone to talk to about it. It is easier to deal with problems with someone on your side.
I am not the right person to comment on the faith thing, because I am already on the fence, and that's before the going gets tough. But I think your reaction is perfectly normal. You are certainly not a bad person for wondering...!
I hope everything works out well. Take care!
Hugs, Heidi
Mark 9:24:
24And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
a different translation says:
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!
This verse sums it up, sometimes we do question our faith and God and the "why mes".
And then we ask for help.
Hope this helps.
Oh, Lisa. I just don't even know what to say. I wish there was something I could do for you. You know you're in my prayers.
I don't know what to say. From time to time we all have our doubts. We all feel like life isn't fair, and really, it isn't. All I know to do is to keep praying and believing that God is in control and that He will see you through whatever is troubling you.
Whatever it is, I hope it resolves itself quickly so that you can have some peace. In the meantime, breathe in, breathe out. Stay calm. Love your kids. And, hang in there.
Hey Lisa. I hope you get good news tomorrow. But in the meantime, perhaps God WANTS you to be asking some of these questions. You can't ask anything or feel anything that will phase Him. He can take it! Reading your post I thought of Mark 9:24 as well, before I read Chrissy's comment. The phrasing of "I believ" and then yet "Help my unbelief" seems to be a paradox, but it isn't, really. He knows.
Praying right now that both in the midst of uncertainty and fear AND in the midst of silly sock nothing days, you find JOY and PEACE in Him. I'm praying that this journey-wherever it takes you- leads you CLOSER to Him; to know Him more intimately.
Matthew 10:29-31 says: “Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows.” (NLT)
Remember He knows everything that is going on with you, and cares about all of it. Trust in Him.
Lisa,
It's only human to have fear and doubt at times. We all do. I wish I knew the right words to say to you, but, please know that I'm thinking of you and hope you find the answers you're looking for soon. Take care!
I know that nothing anyone can say right now will take the fear away, but just know that you are not alone. Lean on your family, friends, and blogger buddies. :)
I'm sure just getting those thoughts out of your system were helpful in some way. Be persistent in your prayers; keep the faith you so obviously have.
I wish you well! Take Care,
Becky
Your post could have been written by me. Just know you are not alone. It sounds so trite, but it is true. We all have our trials, big and small, and I hope you are able to come through this stronger and that it all works out for the good. You're in my prayers.
Lisa,
I am sorry your mind is filled with fear and doubt right now. While I don't know the details, I hope that you get good news tomorrow.
I have to agree with everyone here - we all have times that we doubt and question and wonder why. We want to know where God is taking us. The fact that you KNOW He is there shows that you have faith.
Cry out to Him with the words that are laid on your heart.
Lisa, you are human, so very human. Your feelings and thoughts are what many individuals experience during a time of grief or fear. Do not be hard on yourself because you are questioning your faith. Just continue to pray - be strong - and know there are so many people out there praying for you. May you feel the prayers of others and may it help to comfort you and give you strength.
Whatever it is, I pray for you.
I don't know what to say to give you comfort . . . but I hope that things work out for you. Know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many who know you (your "IRL" friends and family) and your "virtual" ones, too . . . .
i am so sorry. i can tell this is a biggie. i do know that a life without challenges even adversity we become very boring, surfacey, shallow kind of beings. not what you want to hear right now, most likely. you will find that others care and get through these times stronger, better and more faithful, if they choose too. my thoughts are with you.
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