I'm Trying Something New Today, And Be Warned...It's Deep

A while back I had an email from the mommykelly and she had invited me to join a carnival she hosts on Fridays called Flaunt It Fridays.

I responded to her that I would check it out, and I did. And then I never did a Flaunt It Friday post. Because I was a little intimidated. In reading the mommykelly's blog, I realized that she doesn't just blog, she writes.

And me? Well, I think we all know that the effort I put forth on this blog daily probably wouldn't count as writing in fine literary circles.

Rambling? Yes. Writing? No.

(Did I just sound like Ross Gellar or what?)

(Great.)

Anyway, the point is, I just didn't feel like my rambling and pecking away at the old blawg was really something that would be appropriate for a Flaunt It Friday post.

Yet, here I am. I'll give it a try. If for no other reason than maybe I will finally be able to quit staring at the mommykelly's email in my inbox and thinking 'I really should either just do it, or delete it.'

So let's get to the heart of the matter. The challenge for this weeks Flaunt It Friday is to reflect on one special dream I have for 2008.

Could they make Diet Coke taste like regular Coke?

I really feel that is a valid dream. Especially for me. Think of all the calories I would save. Imagine how skinny I would be if Coke had no calories.

Okay. Seriously. A real dream for 2008.

A dream of mine for 2008 would be Simplicity. To live simply. To live without chaos and clutter. Both the kind in my home and the kind in my heart.

I feel like so much of my time is wasted searching for things.

Whether it is searching through my house for some obscure thing that I know I just saw somewhere, or searching through my heart for some peace within myself.

I am spending to much time searching, and not enough time doing.

(Now is a good time to run if all of my deep, italicized, thoughts are scaring you. See you next week.)

The peace, the calm? They do elude me. There just seems to be nothing simple about life right now. The simplicity in daily living is no where to be found near my home.

I don't mean simplicity as in hanging my clothes out to dry and baking my own bread. I mean something along the lines of 'A place for everything, and everything in its place.' I walk around my home feeling every day as though I am the maid. In order to keep everything picked up, orderly and clean, I must do it. I know this is one of my primary jobs as a stay at home mom, but still, I can't help but feel resentful sometimes. I often feel as though I am the only who cares enough, who respects our home enough, to try and keep it orderly. And when I drop the ball in this area, and K picks up the slack, I feel guilty, instead of grateful.

Wouldn't it be so much simpler if everyone cared? If everyone in my home was just as responsible for their things as I have to be? I know it would do wonders for the chaos I feel inside.

I don't always know where someones brown belt is. But I would guess it's right where they left it, and that it is probably NOT on the hook where it should be hanging. I can't keep track of two Tae Kwon Do Belts that look exactly the same. If they are not in the appropriate child's cubby, then I don't know where they are. But I would guess they made their way down to the basement to be used as some kind of tie up for either a 'robber' or a 'mean bull.'

Wouldn't it be simpler if the Tae Kwon Do belts just stayed in the cubbies where they belong, and our actual toys were used for playing?

Wouldn't life be simpler if we weren't rushing around at the last minute looking for some specific item that should be 'there' but isn't?

Yet, I feel alone in this daily struggle. And sometimes, I just don't care. I get tired of being the only one to care. (Mature, right?) It's sad, but true.

I've hung the hook for the belt, and I've designated a cubby for each child. But have I failed in the simple teaching of how to respect ones things? How to simply put something away when you are done with it?

This leads to me wanting to simplify things within my heart, too. It's like a big huge cycle that keeps going around and I cannot seem stop it. My heart is angry. And choatic. And unsure if it should just trudge along as the designated finder of all things within our four walls. If I weren't always resentful and crabby and overwhelmed about home keeping, would I be able to simply and freely give of myself to my family?

Would I be able to sit down and read the requested 6 stories at bedtime, instead of only 2? Would I have time to play more than one game of Sorry with my kids, instead of sitting there wishing the game would end because 'I have things to do.' Would I be able to sit and just 'be'?

I feel like if things were simpler I would.

But I don't know. Maybe this is just how life is with 4 kids and a dog and activities and friends. I have never lived in a house with this many people before.

I don't regret it. I just don't understand it.

My heart tells me to just enjoy them, raise them, be with them while they are young. But my senses get overwhelmed at the chaos around me. My senses long for simplicity.

And yet, despite this struggle between the need for simplicity in my life, and the ongoing chaos that surrounds me, I know that I simply don't want to miss a minute.